Cold Calling - Ships Nostalgia
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Cold Calling

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  #1  
Old 14th July 2017, 14:56
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A.D.FROST A.D.FROST is offline  
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Cold Calling

Does any one have any funnies about telephone reply's on phones, ER to the bridge?.(quote) "you've got one more start or two toots on the whistle before we run out of air"
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  #2  
Old 14th July 2017, 19:16
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Middle of the night Captain on the bridge tries to phone the galley instead awakes the First A/E with: "A pot of coffee and four pieces of toast and no paint brush."

The galley commonly used a paint brush, sitting in a bowl of very warm butter, to butter toast.

Greg Hayden
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  #3  
Old 14th July 2017, 22:16
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I was the apprentice filling in the movement bridge book while another apprentice, "Miffy" Smith, was answering the telephone and, of course repeating back each message.

I heard him say, "Line ashore forward sir. Don't shout in your ear sir."
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  #4  
Old 15th July 2017, 06:19
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"War Office - want a fight?" "Village pond - duty duck".
"You've got two movements left, and one of them is Stop"
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  #5  
Old 16th July 2017, 20:51
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You've one movement and it better be stop !

Happy memories.
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  #6  
Old 16th July 2017, 21:17
stevekelly10 stevekelly10 is offline  
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I always replied to calls from cargo control room, Hello Battersea dogs home !
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  #7  
Old 17th July 2017, 09:12
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"Dear God, how long does it take you people to answer the telephone?"
"Don't know. I'll consult with my disciples!"

"Hello. Engine room?"
"Don't ask me lad, I only just got here."

Upon leaving port: "Engine room, water on deck please."
"What do you expect. It's a bloody ship!"

"Full away as soon as we've cleared the Nab Tower."
"Fine. Better than hitting it I suppose!"
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  #8  
Old 17th July 2017, 11:37
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The second engineer had a rather high pitched screechy voice, he was also rather gullible. When phoning the ER on his watch we would always used RT like jargon "bridge to engine room" of course he responded with "ER to bridge". For amusement when the old man was on the bridge we would sometimes phone the second with a time check. She was fitted with the new to us Marconiphones ? so we turned up the volume and his voice would come booming through "ER to bridge, ER to bridge, all received, Roger. The old man would look at the phone in disgust and shout out " that man, where the hell does he think he is."
The phones were pretty sensitive, the second mate when berthing made a derogatory remark on the poop about the OM and pilot's ship handling skills, back came a quick response from the OM "that's enough of that xxxxx".
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  #9  
Old 17th July 2017, 14:36
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When the bridge rang aft as we were tying up or letting go the second mate used to answer, The jewish port of guardience and the maternity home for unmarried mothers, it was the third mate who usually called, but one day the old man rang, he was not best pleased with the second mate.
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  #10  
Old 17th July 2017, 15:19
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During a break down(Doxford)Bridge to ER this is the Captain, is the C/E there, don't know what does he look like,can you describe him because ever one looks the same to me when their covered in shhhhhite.
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  #11  
Old 17th July 2017, 15:23
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Ring ring:

"Hello, you're through to the City Desk."

Few seconds of confused silence: "Errrrr ... we've got a problem with number two cargo pump ... "

Shouts to one side: "HOLD THE FRONT PAGE !! BIG STORY COMING THROUGH ..."

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  #12  
Old 17th July 2017, 15:41
stevekelly10 stevekelly10 is offline  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
Ring ring:

"Hello, you're through to the City Desk."

Few seconds of confused silence: "Errrrr ... we've got a problem with number two cargo pump ... "

Shouts to one side: "HOLD THE FRONT PAGE !! BIG STORY COMING THROUGH ..."

Wish I had a a £1 for every phone call I have received about problems with cargo pumps ! 9 times out of ten, tell them to check their valves as it's obvious they have a valve shut somewhere! Lo and behold 5 mins later the problem has disappeared !
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  #13  
Old 17th July 2017, 16:09
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ART6 View Post
"Dear God, how long does it take you people to answer the telephone?"
"Don't know. I'll consult with my disciples!"

"Hello. Engine room?"
"Don't ask me lad, I only just got here."

Upon leaving port: "Engine room, water on deck please."
"What do you expect. It's a bloody ship!"

"Full away as soon as we've cleared the Nab Tower."
"Fine. Better than hitting it I suppose!"
Why is it that the Deck Dept. always asked for water on deck but never Finished with water on deck?some times I thought they had NightVision Glasses the time I've been asked to put it on
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Old 18th July 2017, 16:44
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Much like the OP.
We had a problem with the automatic air to main engine valve, it tended to stick open and dump all the starting air to the bilges.
Leaving some port in Japan I called the bridge and asked the OM how close to the rocks we were, why says he? well you have one more start left and that's it.

Later in the bar, "Phill, why is it always you that calls me at times like that".
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  #15  
Old 19th July 2017, 09:40
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Not quite on the same subject but ships telephone related.Lord John Bursey a C/E in blue flu would apparently deride any poor engineer who after answering his call would sign off with "OK Chief".Immediately the phone would ring again with the irrate said C/E bellowing down the phone,"my name is Mr Bursey or sir I am not a f####g Red Indian"(maybe heresay?)
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  #16  
Old 19th July 2017, 10:28
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Funniest one I had was the phone call from the Engineroom when departing a certain Port - what the f... is going on - reply don't do anything we are trying to extract the Old Man's trouser pocket from the telegraph handle .
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Old 19th July 2017, 14:12
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Ring ring

"Hello ?"

"In the last port, did you lift the Walkers Log probe when we went in ?"

"Errrr .... I think it may have been overlooked."

"Well it's overlooking us now from the great big probe heaven in the sky."

"Oh, is that why it's not working ?"

LOUD CLICK. (Followed by the sort of language you only hear at the Guildford Women's Institute Jam Making Committee when Bessie Jenkinsop won the annual Best Jam prize for the fifth year in a row.)

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  #18  
Old 19th July 2017, 14:28
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Mashud of Brocklebank line - at the end of ww2 we set about dumping the concrete slabs which lotsof ships had around the wheelhouse tp defend against bombs, shrapnel etc. On taking the ones from the front of thewheelhouse we discovered the voice pipe to the masters cabin below. The elderly captain said to me ( 3rd Mate)- " I wondered where this was. I'll go down and give me a minute or two and then blow down it to see if it still works. After a while I blew strongly down it and shortly afterwards he appeared wiggling his finger in his ear. Apparently when he put the tube to his ear and I blew - a lot of fag-ends and dust showered out into his ear !!
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  #19  
Old 19th July 2017, 16:45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stehogg View Post
Not quite on the same subject but ships telephone related.Lord John Bursey a C/E in blue flu would apparently deride any poor engineer who after answering his call would sign off with "OK Chief".Immediately the phone would ring again with the irrate said C/E bellowing down the phone,"my name is Mr Bursey or sir I am not a f####g Red Indian"(maybe heresay?)
On one ship first trip Eng.Cadet signed of Ok "Skipper" back came the roar I am not the man on a tin of sardines and its Sir back came the reply Not until you get the sword across the sholders,whose that came the reply............Thank F..K came the sigh
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  #20  
Old 19th July 2017, 16:53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butters View Post
Funniest one I had was the phone call from the Engineroom when departing a certain Port - what the f... is going on - reply don't do anything we are trying to extract the Old Man's trouser pocket from the telegraph handle .
It wasn't you that moved the telegraph pointer from FULL AHEAD to FULL ASTERN)to clean behind the pointer (which was hinged)They aresill cleaning the crap of the ER telegraph

Last edited by A.D.FROST; 19th July 2017 at 16:58..
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  #21  
Old 19th July 2017, 17:17
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And the newly joined 3/O who had never been with bridge control before and rang noon on the telegraph.
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  #22  
Old 25th July 2017, 00:51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kewl dude View Post
Middle of the night Captain on the bridge tries to phone the galley instead awakes the First A/E with: "A pot of coffee and four pieces of toast and no paint brush."

The galley commonly used a paint brush, sitting in a bowl of very warm butter, to butter toast.

Greg Hayden
And what was the 1st AE's reply? ******off.
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  #23  
Old 28th July 2017, 05:01
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Coming in to port and the phone rings. You are making Black Soke. Ring boileroom. Short time later you are making White Smoke ring Boilerroom again. Phone rings again you are now making Grey smoke I replied what f----- colour do you want. Called to Chiefs Cabin asked why I swore at the captain I replied how does he know it was me I have never meet him, you were the only guy on the plates with heavy Scottish accent. did not go down well had to do 8 hours overtime in Generator overhauls.
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  #24  
Old 28th July 2017, 14:00
Les Gibson Les Gibson is offline  
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Posted this true story on another thread some time back:
I was first trip lecky on Commons ore carrier Afghanistan. Arriving Monrovia (I think) was doing the movement book and ship jolted, obviously had touched the quay. CE walked passed me and touched the back of my thigh "Write bump felt lecky" Have you guessed yet? I wrote 'Bum felt' His response when he checked the book later was unprintable even using xxs. he had made my life hell during the first few months but I learned more during that time than in my whole apprenticeship.
This next one is also on another thread:
Apparently the following exchange took place on an Empress boat (CP ships)
Phone rings in Engine room
Junior engineer "Nerve centre"
Old man "That's no way to answer tha phone"
J.E " Couldn't care less"
O.M. "Do you who this is?"
J.E. "No, do you know who this is?
O.M " No"
J.E "Thank FuXX for that"
Hangs up
Bear in mind that there were 22 engineers and 10 electricians on those ships so it could have been almost anyone on the phone
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  #25  
Old 30th July 2017, 19:21
Micky Bodill Micky Bodill is offline  
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My first trip as Chief on a coaster, only been on board 12 hours. We were berthed between two larger ships in Portsmouth and manoeuvring to leave . Ours was an old boat originally built in Sweden and had had a replacement engine of indeterminate make.
Anyway the bridge control broke and I had to start the engine by hand.
I had to tell the bridge "I can start the engine but don't know which direction it will go in." All the controls were in a language I didn't understand. Luckily Ahead was asked for and I guessed right. Phew !!!
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