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  #26  
Old 1st October 2009, 04:54
ChrisEve ChrisEve is offline  
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A variation on the chocolate mousse story:
An AB who was ex-RN told me that on one navy ship, prior to inspection, he had put a dollop of peanut butter on the seat of one of the seamens' toilets. When the captain saw it he went berserk and shouted "What's that?!" This man scooped up some of the offending material on his finger, put it in his mouth then paused a moment before shouting "Sh*t, Sir!!"

I doubt it was true but it made me laugh for the rest of the watch.
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  #27  
Old 1st October 2009, 07:51
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Chris that reminds me of the lesson in observation when the medical lecturer stuck his finger in the orifice of a cadaver then licked it to make a learned comment and asked the students to do likewise.
They did with some excruciating expressions to which he remarked."If you were paying attention you would of noticed that I inserted my index finger and sucked my forefinger"

Bob
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  #28  
Old 1st October 2009, 08:07
hughesy hughesy is offline  
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Smile Shower gelly and brass

I remember vividly the Old Man on the Pipirikki,showed me the stuff what causes athelete's foot, or so he said.
So I made sure that stuff was scrubbed out of the showers for the rest of the trip. Plus he made us polish the toilet seats, very thorough inspection from that guy. I think his name was Jordan, he was Scottish. he was posh but not a bad
guy. Polished the taps and brass thresholds on all the steps on that ship, there was a lot of brass, big brass steamer in the pantry for water. that ship was 27 odd years old when I was on her and she was in not bad shape, clean and polished a lot better than some of the more modern ships I sailed on and had to clean.Plus I polished the old man's portholes in his cabin that had been painted over I was shown how to get the paint off them and get them back to the brass. got a few hours overtime for that, cleaned each one on number 3 hatch in my afternoon off hours.
But then I think that ship did one more trip and was scrapped. But i was glad I got to sail on a classic old ship like her. I guess your first ship is always special.

all the best
hughesy

Last edited by hughesy; 1st October 2009 at 14:46..
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  #29  
Old 1st October 2009, 09:04
Jim Brady Jim Brady is offline  
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Captains Inspections

The story goes a Stewardess is doing her first trip to sea on an Empress boat and is being taught the job by the Bedroom Steward on the same set of cabins.
The day before sailing day there is always a big inspection of the passenger accommodation.The BRS got a potty put lemonade and two sausage's in it and placed it under a bunk in one of the cabins.
they are waiting for the Captain and all the other heads to come and carry out the inspection.The BRS waits until the inspection party are in sight,says to the Stewardess lets have one more quick look around.He pulls the potty from under the bunk gives the Stewardess a quick look at it and declares "It's to late now" and with that he drinks the lemonade stuffs the sausages in his mouth,the Stewardess fainted.
I'm told this did realy happen,that's the Liverpool sense of humour.
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  #30  
Old 2nd October 2009, 00:20
ChrisEve ChrisEve is offline  
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Love it! That is going to keep me chuckling for the rest of today.
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  #31  
Old 3rd October 2009, 00:33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Brady View Post
The story goes a Stewardess is doing her first trip to sea on an Empress boat and is being taught the job by the Bedroom Steward on the same set of cabins.
The day before sailing day there is always a big inspection of the passenger accommodation.The BRS got a potty put lemonade and two sausage's in it and placed it under a bunk in one of the cabins.
they are waiting for the Captain and all the other heads to come and carry out the inspection.The BRS waits until the inspection party are in sight,says to the Stewardess lets have one more quick look around.He pulls the potty from under the bunk gives the Stewardess a quick look at it and declares "It's to late now" and with that he drinks the lemonade stuffs the sausages in his mouth,the Stewardess fainted.
I'm told this did realy happen,that's the Liverpool sense of humour.

A variation of the sausage story happened on ED's 'Tarkwa'. We carried about 75 passengers and as usual there was a contingent of RC nuns who were in the habit (no pun intended) of taking the sun on the fore part of the passenger deck.
One afternoon the bosun climbed up the mainmast ladder with a sausage stuck in his flies. It was noticed that some of the nuns were peering between the fingers which covered their horrified faces.
The 2nd mate on the bridge was desperately trying to attract the bosun's attention to his apparent state of undress. At last he got a response - the bosun looked down, pulled out his knife and sliced off the offending sausage throwing it over the side.

To this day nobody can agree how many nuns fainted.

Derek
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  #32  
Old 3rd October 2009, 12:29
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Pat Kennedy Pat Kennedy is offline  
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Talking

A further (and true) variation of this story concerned an AB on Cunard's Ivernia, who entered a crowded bar in Mamhattan with the recently severed and plucked neck of a turkey protruding from his flies.
Several women fainted, strong men blanched, and the offending AB, was arrested and banged up for the night.
Pat
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  #33  
Old 12th March 2010, 09:07
nalayarb nalayarb is offline  
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I have experienced most of the inspection habits written about, but the sneakiest was a captain who carried a small srewdriver to delve down the plugholes to see if he could find a stray hair. If anyone was caught twice with this they were logged. This was on an iron ore carrier!
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  #34  
Old 12th March 2010, 10:03
Tony D Tony D is offline  
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Always like polishing brass,still do,summat very zen about polishing brass,anyway as a young whippesnapper sitting bored in me cabin eyes alight on the port hole,covered with 500 layers of paint and grubbiness, so decides to clean it up as a anti bordom project,much work with harpic wire wool and elbow grease and up it comes gleaming like summat belonging to Lizzy Windsor in a glass case in the Tower of London.
Sunday the Old Man comes round on inspection and is greatly impressed wi me work so he thinks it would be a good idea if the rest of the crew followed my example,
One was lucky not to go over the side with the provobial anchor shackle strapped to me heels.
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  #35  
Old 12th March 2010, 11:16
ALAN TYLER ALAN TYLER is offline  
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Originally Posted by Tony D View Post
Always like polishing brass,still do,summat very zen about polishing brass,anyway as a young whippesnapper sitting bored in me cabin eyes alight on the port hole,covered with 500 layers of paint and grubbiness, so decides to clean it up as a anti bordom project,much work with harpic wire wool and elbow grease and up it comes gleaming like summat belonging to Lizzy Windsor in a glass case in the Tower of London.
Sunday the Old Man comes round on inspection and is greatly impressed wi me work so he thinks it would be a good idea if the rest of the crew followed my example,
One was lucky not to go over the side with the provobial anchor shackle strapped to me heels.
I agree brass does look good polished up, that reminds me I,ve a brass sun-dial in the garden that needs polishing after the long winter, now where,s the wire-wool and brasso!!!
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  #36  
Old 12th March 2010, 11:46
howardws howardws is offline  
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I had a very annoying rattle in the deckhead of my cabin on 'Flinders Bay' and I was told not to do anything about it myself as the Second Engineer would get the Mechanic to fix it. I waited and waited and waited. On the morning of Master's inspection I wedged a piece of timber about eight foot long and 12" x 6" between the deckhead and the deck. When I came off the 12-4 my rattle had been cured and the timber was no longer there!
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  #37  
Old 12th March 2010, 13:09
Dennis Butler Dennis Butler is offline
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If I recollect my BP Tanker days as a Navigating Apprentice, Captain's inspection was a Sunday morning ritual when @ sea on British-crewed ships when he - together with Chief Engineer & Chief Steward - used to visit our twin-berth cabin in an autocratic manner to check on general cleanliness & tidiness after we'd spent Saturday mornings getting our linen changed in the Centrecastle's Linen Store then generally burnishing the brasswork & swabbing the cabin deck with plenty of in-house "Byprox" detergent in the bucket of water to help overcome any lingering body odour! I think we junior Apprentices also had to scrub and/or holystone any Wheelhouse wooden decking (as "BRITISH SAILOR" had)...

Dennis in Singapore
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  #38  
Old 12th March 2010, 18:53
borderreiver borderreiver is offline  
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mrs Border Reiver moans that I am still inspecting the ship when I go around our pad
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  #39  
Old 12th March 2010, 23:19
notnila notnila is offline  
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I think I may have already posted this tale somewhere.Maiden voyage in "Oriana"(1),boy ratings in 4 berth cabins.We took turns cleaning the cabin for"Captain's Rounds".(the only time in the week it was cleaned).Anyway it was my"turn",when in they came.Captain Edgecombe run his white gloved finger along the top of a ditty box,which had been cellotaped to the baulkhead,said box collapsed!!He then lifted the corner of the cabin mat with his foot,revealing everything I'd swept under it."I wouldn't keep pigs in here",he said,to which the Purser,Nelson French,replied"I would Captain!"
He always had a fine line in insult!!!
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  #40  
Old 12th March 2010, 23:39
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Talking about cleaning up cabins etc., the mate did a full interior decorating job on his cabin which included dismantling and thouroughly cleaning the Punkah louvres which were a bit yellowish. The 2nd Eng., who was a congenital idiot, decided this was a brilliant idea and proceeded to strip all the Punkah louvres from the midships accommodation.
In order to clean them he put the whole lot in a drum with a Peroline solution, inserted a steam hose and left them to boil.
Naturally, when he took them out they all resembled well soaked prunes, in addition to this they were originally of differing sizes for the alleyways, cabins, public rooms etc. and he had no idea which was which, which didn't really matter because none of them would fit anyway. (He told the Chief he might have to skim a couple in the lathe!)
The upshot was that we had to complete the voyage with no control over the volume of heating/air conditioning and some very awkward interviews for some people on return to Liverpool.

Derek
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  #41  
Old 13th March 2010, 01:58
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KIWI KIWI is offline  
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On Maloja the emergency generator was fired up for Captains inspection.One time when we were giving it a trial run & warm up prior to inspection it just wouldn't go.Satisfied the inspection party by motoring it.The engineers of course got on to finding the fault straight away but a lot of paper work was averted. KIWI
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  #42  
Old 13th March 2010, 19:20
jaolt1 jaolt1 is offline  
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Hi...sailed With A Skipper That Among Other Things During His Rounds On Sunday At 1000 Would Check Under The Cap Of Ketchup Bottles In The Messroom To Ensure There Was No Build Up Of The Red Sauce!!
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  #43  
Old 13th March 2010, 19:48
muldonaich muldonaich is offline  
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sailed with one old man and all he ever inspected was the bookshelves in all cabins to find a book he had not read have to say he was a good old man just a wee bit ecentric lol.
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  #44  
Old 13th March 2010, 19:56
muldonaich muldonaich is offline  
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Originally Posted by Old Janner View Post
Yes fond memories, early days lots of hard work getting ready for the Inspection always on a Sunday,Saturday night "work up" silver dip or enamel plate and soda to clean all the EPNS silver, including tea Pots, Coffe pots, Mustard outsides, Serviete rings. Use goddards plate powder on a scrubbing brush to take all the tarnish of the tines of the forks. All the silver draws had green felt, which all had to be brushed clean, that was the Saloon.
In the galley it was not so bad just had to make sure there were no bits of debris under the cooker or behind any fitment, main place the Capatin always looked was the fridges, always had to leave one fridge board up, so that the captain could look underneath.
Cabins had to be clean, new linen on the beds with bed made, rosies emptied and no loose wires shoved into electric sockets!
Later when I was Catr/Off, much easier, walk round with the Captain, Chief Eng, Mate and the Bosun. when all finished usually up to the old mans cabin for some hors dourves and a few drinks before lunch.
Interesting point on British Flag ships I never signed the log book saying that I took part in the Inspection, yet on two Monrovian Flag ships I had to sign the log.
Some ships after the inspection up to the Captains cabin for a few drinks and the Hors Dourves, then more drinks, then the request, lets have lunch in the old mans cabin, Stewards always made a good job of that, few more drinks, missed tea, next thing its time to turn to for breakfast. Very hard life.
I must admit that the last paragraph was not uncommon on Denholms, good crews hard working, but easy going when things were running well.
Yes I miss those times.
think i have to agree with everything you said in that post brgds kev.
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  #45  
Old 14th March 2010, 17:11
ALAN TYLER ALAN TYLER is offline  
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mrs Border Reiver moans that I am still inspecting the ship when I go around our pad
Is it the white gloves that give the game away!!!!!
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  #46  
Old 14th March 2010, 18:06
borderreiver borderreiver is offline  
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no the hand marks on the dust.gave me away A duster was handed to me
Yes I was one of the masters who checked the crews book cases for paper backs.
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  #47  
Old 15th March 2010, 12:31
CAPTAIN JEREMY CAPTAIN JEREMY is offline  
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Originally Posted by jaolt1 View Post
Hi...sailed With A Skipper That Among Other Things During His Rounds On Sunday At 1000 Would Check Under The Cap Of Ketchup Bottles In The Messroom To Ensure There Was No Build Up Of The Red Sauce!!
I still do!! But that is part of the weekly public helath inspection to ensure compliance with USPH requirements. The crew accomodation inspection nowadays tends to be a cleanliness and tidiness issue, but in reality is a legal requirement to ensure that the facitilties are in compliance with the minimum standard required by the regulations. I would like to think that in this day and age all accomodation is far above the standards required by the "accomodation regulations". I am always a bit bemused by pages in the Official Log Book with regard to inspections of the food and water on board. I assume that as I eat and drink them, that they must be OK!! However, being on a passenger ship, the inspection of the store rooms can easily turn into a little shopping expedition ......

I too remember what sticklers Captains could be when I was a cadet and junior officer on these inspections, and try to be somewhat more reasonable and practical.
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  #48  
Old 15th March 2010, 22:50
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Chris that reminds me of the lesson in observation when the medical lecturer stuck his finger in the orifice of a cadaver then licked it to make a learned comment and asked the students to do likewise.
They did with some excruciating expressions to which he remarked."If you were paying attention you would of noticed that I inserted my index finger and sucked my forefinger"

Bob
The old ones are the best Bob. I have heard that one many times

We in the medical department took turns to wander around the Galley daily. So it was not only the Old Man they had to look for!.

David
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  #49  
Old 16th March 2010, 01:00
JoK JoK is offline  
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no the hand marks on the dust.gave me away A duster was handed to me
Yes I was one of the masters who checked the crews book cases for paper backs.
A good friend of mine was telling me of her Captain husband compaints of the cleanliness of her house when he arrived home from sea.
I told her, to tell him that she wasn't his Tiger.

I had to then explain to her what the Captain's tiger was.
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  #50  
Old 16th March 2010, 11:07
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A good friend of mine was telling me of her Captain husband compaints of the cleanliness of her house when he arrived home from sea.
I told her, to tell him that she wasn't his Tiger.
I would have pointed him to the duster and cleaner cupboard and told him to 'fix' it!
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