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Coming in to port and the phone rings. You are making Black Soke. Ring boileroom. Short time later you are making White Smoke ring Boilerroom again. Phone rings again you are now making Grey smoke I replied what f----- colour do you want. Called to Chiefs Cabin asked why I swore at the captain I replied how does he know it was me I have never meet him, you were the only guy on the plates with heavy Scottish accent. did not go down well had to do 8 hours overtime in Generator overhauls.
 

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Posted this true story on another thread some time back:
I was first trip lecky on Commons ore carrier Afghanistan. Arriving Monrovia (I think) was doing the movement book and ship jolted, obviously had touched the quay. CE walked passed me and touched the back of my thigh "Write bump felt lecky" Have you guessed yet? I wrote 'Bum felt' His response when he checked the book later was unprintable even using xxs. he had made my life hell during the first few months but I learned more during that time than in my whole apprenticeship.
This next one is also on another thread:
Apparently the following exchange took place on an Empress boat (CP ships)
Phone rings in Engine room
Junior engineer "Nerve centre"
Old man "That's no way to answer tha phone"
J.E " Couldn't care less"
O.M. "Do you who this is?"
J.E. "No, do you know who this is?
O.M " No"
J.E "Thank FuXX for that"
Hangs up
Bear in mind that there were 22 engineers and 10 electricians on those ships so it could have been almost anyone on the phone
 

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My first trip as Chief on a coaster, only been on board 12 hours. We were berthed between two larger ships in Portsmouth and manoeuvring to leave . Ours was an old boat originally built in Sweden and had had a replacement engine of indeterminate make.
Anyway the bridge control broke and I had to start the engine by hand.
I had to tell the bridge "I can start the engine but don't know which direction it will go in." All the controls were in a language I didn't understand. Luckily Ahead was asked for and I guessed right. Phew !!!
 

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During the night watches I usually around the bridge deck a few times, the wings, around the back of the funnel and have quick look inside the funnel and down to see the engine. Unmanned E/R. Two occasions I called the duty engineer. First was to see the tops of the engine all covered in black oil.... ruptured fuel line. Second time, the big Kincaid B&W 9 cyl looked all fine, except the last two units. The rocker arms were motionless. I called and the duty engineer asked, "How can you tell?" :)

Best ever call on Avon Bridge. At the end of the watch, call the Junior and ask, "Hello Eric, can I have the revs and the sea temperature please?" Usually took a few minutes because the Junior had a bit of a stutter. He came back with, "The revs are n.... n....nn, nnnnn..... nnnnnnn.....nnnnnn ninty-five! The sea temperature is.... twe.... t...t..... t.... tweeee........t ...t ... t.... t........... t,t,t..... twent.....t... t..... SAME AS IT WAS YESTERDAY!"
 

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Twice I had occasion to phone the bridge after a flurry of starts and stops including two that reversed the previous command before the engine would let me and tell them they had two movements left. Both times there were no further commands until FWE so how many of those previous were necessary.
 

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On the Baltistan on its final trip before handing over to the Greeks , problem with the eng.room phone and it was decided to try and use the voicepipe . After 21 years of service with various items discarded down the tube the 4th eng.thought it would be a good idea to blow some air up the voicepipe , straight from the bottles, 600psi. It certainly cleared the blockage but you can imagine that the old man was not very happy with state of the bridge .
 

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On the Baltistan on its final trip before handing over to the Greeks , problem with the eng.room phone and it was decided to try and use the voicepipe . After 21 years of service with various items discarded down the tube the 4th eng.thought it would be a good idea to blow some air up the voicepipe , straight from the bottles, 600psi. It certainly cleared the blockage but you can imagine that the old man was not very happy with state of the bridge .
Good tale, but very much doubt it would be 600 psi , more like 100-150 psi, the ER air line pressure which would still do the business. You couldn't handle 600 psi in a hose or even find a connection apart from the condensate drains, which would have been more interesting sending up a shower of oily white water, of which so much would come back and catch you.
I wonder if any body on the bridge of a ship would blow down and whistle, the give it a moment and pour a bucket/ mug of cold sea water/tea down just as the engineer puts his ear to the funnel. The retaliation.
 
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