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Discussion Starter #1
As this is the Stormy Weather tread, these are appropriate here.

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

I was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
I got through to a call centre in Iran. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f*** O**!'

But the best one I heard was this:

Bloke says to his mate
"I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra willy."
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a willy."

Jonty
 

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My girlfriend told me obesity was in her genes.I told her to bugger off as she looked a fat cow in a skirt as well.
Kev
 
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Fella Goes To A+e Bleading From His A.se Doctor Said Whote Hapend To You He Said I Work At The Zoo And An Elephant Raped Me Doctor Looked At His A.se Said How Come The Hole Is 18ins Wide When An Elephant Penis Is Only 6ins Across Fella Said The Bast..d Fingerd Me First???????????
 

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2009 version of the Fairy Liquid Ad:

Cut to kitchen scene on sink estate. Heavily tattooed mother with skirt about one inch below "C" level is washing up at the sink with a cigarette in her mouth whilst a small curly-haired child watches:

Child: "Mummy why are your hands so soft?"

Mother: "Cos I'm only 14. Now shut the **** up and eat your Pot Noodle!"
 

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Mummy Mummy, i keep going round in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail the other one down
 

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2009 version of the Fairy Liquid Ad:

Cut to kitchen scene on sink estate. Heavily tattooed mother with skirt about one inch below "C" level is washing up at the sink with a cigarette in her mouth whilst a small curly-haired child watches:

Child: "Mummy why are your hands so soft?"

Mother: "Cos I'm only 14. Now shut the **** up and eat your Pot Noodle!"
I am shocked - really shocked - on this site of all sites and by a Moderator too, its disgusting - a real downer - what an insult - to a Pot Noodle (Jester)

Chris
 

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Bought myself a new deodorant stick today.Instructions said take top off and push up bottom. I'm still in casualty at the minute but my farts smell bloody lovely.
 

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342 Posts
Young woman gets on the bus and says "how much to Oldham?"
Bus driver says " There so nice pet I'll 'old em for nowt!'
 

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Ten things men know about women,
1. They have a vaginal opening
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts

Big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says. "This is the the pig I've got to shag when your not up for sex". His wife says, "I think you'll find thats a sheep".
He says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

Wife walks into room and says to hubby, "tonight I'm gonna make you the happiest man alive", man replies "don't f**k around who's going to help you pack this time of night".
 
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Roy Rogers Old Singing Cowboy Rideing Along Singing Comes Across Troop Of Cavalry Troop Wave Roy Gets Off His Horse All The Troopers Gather Around Him I Am Going Home To My Lovely Wife Dale The Captain Says Dont Roy Indians On Warpath Raped And Killed Her And Roy Your Little Girls Aswell And Roy Your Heard Of Cows All Killed Sorry Roy Your Ranch Is Burned To The Ground Roy Mounts Horse Irish Trooper Says Roy Yes Trooper Will You Give The Lads A Song Before You Go///////
 

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I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.

It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a
Scot, or a Frenchman a C--t.

********************

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh1t."

********************

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but f--k me, pass the parcel was quick!!!

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one
and asked him to forgive me.

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I'm not racist. Racism is a crime.......and crime is for black people.

********************

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ won't it f--king start?"
 

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This should qualify, then.

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
 

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Came home from work and wife greeted me.
She said - "Do you notice anything different about me ?"
I said - "You've got a new dress on"
No
You've got new shoes
No
You've had your hair done.
No
I said - you'll have to tell me
She said
I'm wearing a gas mask !
 
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