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6077, 6079, 6080 are, IMHO, distasteful. I don't think that rape is a source of humour, even though these are very non PC jokes.
Rgds.
Dave
 

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6077, 6079, 6080 are, IMHO, distasteful. I don't think that rape is a source of humour, even though these are very non PC jokes.
Rgds.
Dave
I heard this joke on a BBC Radio 4 do***entary program some years ago. The point on the program was that jokes can be still funny even if they aren't always socially acceptable.
I think it fits the bill for this thread. It's no worse than the many other sexist, racist, mucky or whatever jokes that are already on this thread.
 

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... ������������������
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

Copy and paste to share a laugh... ������
 

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I remember the Dave Allen sketch,
Interviewing the Sister Superior etc

Bob

All of the Dave Allen sketches and interviews are to be found on YouTube. Les Dawson..... lots others too.

A good laugh is a good laugh... no matter how old it is! A lot of humor today isn't all that great.

Stephen
 

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6077, 6079, 6080 are, IMHO, distasteful. I don't think that rape is a source of humour, even though these are very non PC jokes.
Rgds.
Dave
I'm afraid that the essence, to me, of 6079 is nothing to do with rape but how the naughty nuns (naughty nuns being the butt) would seek to explain themselves if caught in flagrante. Grown up but hardly distasteful unless you are thinking of taking Holy Orders yourself I would have thought.
 

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An elderly couple attended their doctor's clinic to have their annual check-up. The husband went in first while his wife chatted with the receptionist.

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

In fact, I do doctor," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor noted the comments. The wife was called in.

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns at all, she was feeling very well.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in June and the second time is in February."
 

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Continuing the theme of upsetting certain superstitious peoples' beliefs ...

Today I found £20 in Tesco's car park. I wondered what I should do with it.

Then I thought, "What would Jesus have done in such cir***stances?"

So I turned it into wine!
 

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Continuing the theme of upsetting certain superstitious peoples' beliefs ...

Today I found £20 in Tesco's car park. I wondered what I should do with it.

Then I thought, "What would Jesus have done in such cir***stances?"

So I turned it into wine!


If you get the wine from St Michal's you get a Saint's discount!
 

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My good Italian friend Attillio, on the matter of blessing marriages.

"When you serve the best wine at a wedding, I bless the marriage and all fortune and children for the couple."

" If you serve the cheap wind, I curse you! I CURSE YOU!!!!"
 

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Subject: The electric fence and the lawn mower..



We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard the Antifa Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting me, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 60 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the lime stone..The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my old as dirt 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower that has the run bale tied back with a zip tie. .I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”..How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. And, there is a ‘pulse’ or ‘continuous’ setting and of course I set it continuous because.. Antifa..right? Well....

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally in tone with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like sticking your tongue to a 9 volt battery and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day . he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery that I.myself...had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek.

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like new now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.
 

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Subject: The electric fence and the lawn mower..



We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard the Antifa Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting me, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 60 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the lime stone..The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my old as dirt 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower that has the run bale tied back with a zip tie. .I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”..How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. And, there is a ‘pulse’ or ‘continuous’ setting and of course I set it continuous because.. Antifa..right? Well....

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally in tone with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like sticking your tongue to a 9 volt battery and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day . he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery that I.myself...had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek.

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like new now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.
Great stuff John (Jester) (Applause)(Applause)(Applause) (Jester)
 

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Spongebob
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Good one John, reminds me of the farm we played on as kids. The farmer used a single wire electric fence to control the cows' grazing and this led to we boys being tempted to try it out!
One by one we touched the wire ,a jolt for sure , but not that bad so we started a competition as to who could hold on for the most pulsing jolts .
This 'fun' soon palled and we went on to other summer hoiliday games and some time later, during the winter we came across another fence and I was the first to start a new round of competition .
It was a Jolt with a capital J that almost shook the very teeth out of my head and sent a shock right though my body plus a yelling scream that stopped the others touching the wire.
Reason for the change, dry hands ,dry soil, poor conductance had weakened the summer effect but in bare feet and on damp ground there were no barriers to earth and a lesson was learnt.

Bob
 
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