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Gave you a stiff one didn't it Bob, however the wrong kind.
Just before lockdown here a friend of mine's son was out with some school friends driving back to school (licence allowed at 16 here). The 17 year old driver decided it was a good idea to stop where he knew an electric fence was in operation and see if direct application of same to his 'old man' would in any way provide a thrill. Some effect, I am sure, but history does not yet relate if this will become a craze.

I drew my friend's attention to the topic of electro-ejaculation but suggested that she should not point it out to her son lest the Lower Sixth went into production using the resources of the school labs.

All I can say from personal experience is that when Mr. Gaillard connected the class in series with a rheostat across the mains at no point in the gradually increasing current was there any hardening effect (and at that age almost every other stimulation did have).
 

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I have better things to do than put my member on a electric fence. Like the old saying, "The Jolt Was Enough to Knock your Richard Into Your Watch Pocket,"
 

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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening at a Hotel Cafe when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession but said, "I never suspected ... can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
 

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Magic

Rub hard
 

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As a non-follower of football, I don't really understand all the excitement and fuss about Liverpool United winning the Premiership. Doesn't the title have to be awarded to one of the competing teams every year? So what is different about 2020?
 

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A bottle of Merlot . . . .



A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and "7" inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

His note read: "Just to let you know that things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio." . . . .

"But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back."
 

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A lady hears a knock on her door and when she sees who it is a man asks her
Have you got a vagina she slams the door in his face
The next day a knock on the door she answers the same guy asks her have you a vagina she slams the door in his face,she tells her husband he says tell him yes he wiilstay home if it happens again he will stay behind the door and have him next day the man knocks she answers and when asks do you have a vagina
She answers yes the man says well tell your husband to start using it and not my wifes.
The next day the man knocks the door she a
 

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a lady hears a knock on her door and when she sees who it is a man asks her
have you got a vagina she slams the door in his face
the next day a knock on the door she answers the same guy asks her have you a vagina she slams the door in his face,she tells her husband he says tell him yes he wiilstay home if it happens again he will stay behind the door and have him next day the man knocks she answers and when asks do you have a vagina
she answers yes the man says well tell your husband to start using it and not my wifes.
The next day the man knocks the door she a

ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Two Priests on Vacation

Two Priests Decide To Go To Hawaii For A Vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight toward them, They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady'.

'Yes, Father'?

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are'?

She replied,
 

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Arrested for assault

I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
 

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THE HARLEY ...

A8C5486660754432B050A7F83BE32FD6@cathielaptop


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay,
so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented:
'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he
finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?'

F358DCFF672B47C1BD542808140D282C@cathielaptop

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur,
'professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.


1.
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension


DD6BF78B1C9A48018FFC76A3C2DC7030@cathielaptop
DEE14D5528CF4EEAB1B547344E4C526D@cathielaptop


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

7192F9282C0C4A49BB048431A7A3DF10@cathielaptop


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
about too much

FE34FECC285348B88D38E8364F5FA800@cathielaptop



4.
The intake is placed way too
close to the exhaust


5. The maintenance costs are
outrageous!!!!


176AE059B03E49F8990D00F4F3EF689E@cathielaptop



'Hmmmmm,
you may have some good points there,' replied
God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer,
typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God
said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours'..

 

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Italian Wedding

I was a very happy man; my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Lucia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations,' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome any longer. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister." Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, her entire family was standing outside and they were all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have
passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

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There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.

Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, "Good Job"

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.



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